No rehearsals for ages, the loss of one 'like' from facebook...things have been really tough for The Sweet Ordeal recently.
What's more, Bex, who was the latest in line of lovely talented singers to leave us at the alter, has gone and done a facebook page (available for weddings) with only a few likes less than us, in much time less than us. It's as though she has taken the paddle.
Every musician I know (thank you, one hand) has said that if one was to find oneself up shit creek, then a paddle could be fashioned from gumtree: the Friend of Bands.
Advert up and we get a few enquiries. A few take themselves out of the process. One for admitting she put on a Dido type accent when she sang, thus causing self loathing. "I'm from the north" she pleads via email, as though that was a barrier against bad taste.
Then something happens which makes me think that we need to show details of our enhanced CRB checks. Even though I've made it clear that John and I are either side of 40 (I'll leave you to decide who is where, ladies x), we get enquiries from two 18 year old girls. And they weren't even posing as middle aged men.
When I point out to the first the age gap, suggesting it might be a bit odd for her, she emails "I play with old people like you all the time. They're much more reliable". The second is a little bit offended when I query the difference in years, till I point out the boy/ girl (sorry, funnily enough 'man/ woman' doesn't sound right) lyrics of some of our songs, which would share vocal duties.
For example, from Museum of You: "Every morning I wake up again/ Sun rays lash light light across my skin/ warm reminders of your ghosted span".
Now, as much as a man my age might harbour fantasies of young women and their warm reminders, I am not sure that - to greatly misquote the age old football adage - the audience would find this image particularly palatable on a wet Thursday evening at The Brunswick. Thankfully, though perhaps with a little tinge of regret (were our facebook photos that bad?), this second correspondent agreed that it would be "a bit weird". Steady on, love.
So in the end we only meet up with one potential new member. She had the hair (a folkie red), the wan look (for melancholy subject matter), the talent (she wrote as well as played), and the requisite taste (Sir Nick Drake of course). She was also probably a better age, but her Pre Raphaelite paleness made it difficult to tell. We never got to find out because after a kind of audition, we planned to meet up again, only for the dreaded text of no return a few days later.
Then our gumtree advert ran out. A hoped for contact through a respected local folk band didn't materialise and Bex made her facebook page. Despite writing some lyrics about being brought up by wolves, the well of creativity has dried up and John and rehearsals have been replaced by Champions League football.
Still, a new advert on gumtree and tomorrow sees a meeting with a 28 year old. Let's hope she brings her ghosted span.
